The most exciting thing a doctor could ever tell a child

When I was young my mum had to take me to the doctor.  I don’t remember exactly what was wrong with me, but whatever it was became urgent enough for me to need to see the next available doctor instead of waiting for an appointment with my normal doctor.

After diagnosing my symptoms, the doctor prescribed me some medicine and told me that if I wasn’t better in three days time he would eat his hat.

There are no words strong enough to explain the kind of impact this had on me.  Being approximately six years old, I could think of nothing more amazing than watching a grown man eat his own hat.  I began to desperately hope that I would not get better. 

I considered not taking my medication, but my mum cared about me more than she cared about watching a man eat a hat, so I had no choice but to swallow the yucky medicine every day.  I prayed that the medicine would have no effect on me.

I should have had enough sense to realise that no qualified doctor would make a bet to do something exceedingly unhealthy if they thought there was a possibility they would have to follow through with it.  And so, with bitter disappointment, I reluctantly had to admit that in three days time I had made a full recovery.

To this day I still wonder what it would have been like to watch an educated, professional man eat a hat.  Because I doubt I’ll ever get to see the real thing I’ll have to settle for this cartoon interpretation.

The Dangers of a Bored Megan

Anyone who knows me would be able to tell you that I enjoy annoying people for my own amusement.  A perfect example of this occurred the other day when Duncan was playing on his playstation.  I was quite content to sit and watch as he destroyed some bad guys with a flaming sword and collected things that I thought looked like ghosts, but are apparently what powers up your weapons.  Everything was going well.

Until I got bored.

The boredom over-powered me and became so completely, utterly unbearable that my sole life purpose became simply to find something to occupy myself.

Commence annoying Duncan for my amusement.

But it wasn’t working! Duncan was too absorbed in fighting weird skeleton looking monster thingys and collecting their ghost souls to power his flaming sword.  I decided on a new tactic.

It has worked!  But the look on his face suggested that I had done something a lot worse than simply trying to entertain myself.

That’s when the following conversation took place.

Duncan: Were you trying to lick my nipple? 

Megan: .... (looks innocent).

Duncan: Is that what you were trying to do?

Megan: .... I was bored?

Duncan: God you’re weird (resumes destroying evil skeleton thingys).



Why I wish I could be Harry Potter

At least once every day I find myself wishing that I was Harry Potter.  Today it occurred when I couldn’t find the TV remote, and I was like: if I was Harry Potter I could just use magic to turn on the TV.

The other day I was making chocolate mousse and my arms were getting tired from mixing. I thought: if I was Harry I could make this mousse mix itself.

If I was Harry my life would improve in so many ways.

One day one of the ladies I worked with was looking for the stapler.  She asked me if I’d seen it and I said: “no but if I was Harry Potter I’d use a summoning spell to find it for you”. I don’t think she knew what I was talking about.

The REAL Spider Man

There are some very strange people in my neighbourhood.   Last summer we were enjoying a few drinks with friends when the drunkest woman in the world stumbled into our lounge through the window (an amazing achievement considering the window is quite high off the ground.  And she was drunk).  She demanded we give her beer if we wanted her to leave.

The house in front of mine is home to an old man and an Asian lady who yells a lot. They never open their curtains and I had been living here for three months before I ever saw anyone come out of the house.  Sometimes late at night they’ll flick their outside light on and then off again. And then on again. And then off again. And on again. Over and over.

The other day I heard the Asian lady yelling at the old man.  Her accent is very strong so I can’t be 100% sure that this is what she said, but this is what I heard her say:

“I could kill you! I could kill you and they’d never know! I’d kill you with the electric chair! And they’d never know!”

But by far the weirdest neighbour I have had is a man I now refer to as Spider Man.  I was in my room one day when I witnessed this conversation taking place between two of my neighbours.

My other neighbour ran to barricade himself inside the safety of his house, and Spider Man eventually disappeared back inside his apartment. 

About ten minutes later I looked out my lounge window.  This is what I saw.